Let’s just put this out there – yes, for the love all that is sweet and merciful in this fine and terrible Waste, we know the supply convoy was struck last night. You don’t need to keep shouting at us through the windows for goodness’ sake.
What happened?
As is my public duty that I am most stupendously proud and happy to perform, I set out first thing this morning – the moment I heard – to find out what in the Waste happened to our supplies. I asked Mary to come with me to record the interviews but she said she had sore feet on account of one of them half-dissolving. She is at home resting today, or getting as much rest as she can anyway with that family of hers.
After speaking with the sheriffs, surviving convoy workers and numerous people who claimed to be witnesses (but probably weren’t actually there), I have pieced together this rough timeline of events.
Yesterday Evening: The weekly Convoy Collective supply convoy arrived in Central Oughta Go via the north road and proceeded south towards Dead Man’s Bridge. The convoy was bringing plant stock, grain, seeds and farming supplies from the new farms being built in Can’t Be Buried. Many of you had hard-earned money invested in that convoy. That’s something to keep in mind a moment.
Yesterday Evening +1: The convoy – which consisted of four large trading trailers pulled by Goldtooth’s specially bred bollocks, that is, his large horned cattle that resemble giant pigcows which are in no way related to testicles – happened upon a fallen tree. Barnabus, the convoy lead, told me he thought this a strange sight given there are no trees in that area (here’s to small mercies). Shoulda Wooda reports no known thefts that night, so we’re not sure where the tree came from. Either way, it was dead and had been laid across the road to block passage.
Yesterday Evening +2: When the convoy had come to a halt some of its traders dismounted to check the status of the tree and remove it from the road. They were concerned about being attacked by Things in the night, especially anyone who had to leave the area of electric light around the convoy. But, before anyone could even touch the tree a group of masked, “mean-lookin'” individuals came down from the hills and climbed up from the gorge to surround the trailers.
Barnabus claims they declared themselves as members of the “terrorist Resistance group” and demanded that the convoy hand over its supplies – with the exception of the cabbage seeds because, and I quote, “cabbage is a rubbish vegetable and we don’t want it.”
Yesterday Evening +3: The negotations did not go well. Barnabus nobly refused to give up the supplies and the evil terrorists refused to leave without them. The terrorists promptly attacked the traders with axes and cudgels, killing many of their number in cold blood (it was a chilly night). Barnabus’ lads fought bravely and eventually drove the terrorists back up the hills – but not before they set fire to two out of the four trailers, completely ruining those supplies and killing one puppy, which nobody knew was in there. Sorry to whoever had purchased that. Now you know what we’re dealing with here – the terrorists aren’t just thieves and propogandists, but puppy killers. Bastards, charlatans and heathens the lot of them.
This Morning: It took some hours to remove the tree from the road and clear away the ruined carts so the others could pass through. Luckily the sheriffs saw the blaze and went out to guard the rest of the convoy, which successfully arrived at the town square this morning so you could all gawk and gossip about its sorry state.
In Concludium
Don’t listen to a damn word those “Resisters” say – puppy-killing monsters that they are.
If you had money invested in that convoy and your supplies were ruined, it’s time to get mad. If you see something, say something. Report any suspicious activity to the sheriffs, even if you aren’t sure. It’s better to be safe than sorry. And a lot of people are a whole lot sorry this morning because of this heinous act.
Stay safe, citizens.
– Danny Leonardo the Third or Fourth Depending on Who You Ask
