Just when you think you know a guy.
The sheriff’s office has put out an official bounty and wanted poster for MELVIN LI, the one-time opinions columnist here at the Crumble Bulletin.
Henceforth, from this point onwards and until someone who gets paid more than I do says otherwise, Melvin Li is a criminal. Should anyone see his trecherous face around town, please apprehend him at the nearest available opportunity and provide the body and whatever limbs you can still find of his to the sheriff’s office.
What is Melvin Li wanted for?
First and foremost: Being a terrible friend.
Of all the insidious, evil, narrow-minded pillocks who worked at this fine journalistic establishment under Flynn Harris’s reign of tyranny, I thought Melvin Li was one of the finer sorts. We got along well in a day to day sense, and he even invited me over for dinner once. Of course, I couldn’t possibly have accepted due to seeing what he considers ‘food’, but it was a friendly gesture and I thought it meant more than it clearly did.
But I have been betrayed, and so has the town.
The Resisters, as this blightful little terror cell calls itself, accosted the sheriffs at Melvin’s house just two nights ago and whisked he and his wife away to unknown, presumably very dark and dank regions of the Waste. At this stage his whereabouts are unknown, but the sheriffs (and I personally) am very interested to acquire them at once and once with, so that we might remind him what the people of Crumble do to traitors and, worse, bad friends.
Seriously, I even gave him a pastry once. A pastry. I could have eaten it myself, couldn’t I? But nooooo, I offered it to Melvin and he selfishly accepted.
Absolute arse. Twit. Nincompoop, or however you spell that word.
Oh, and the sheriffs want him for other crimes too. But betraying me personally is clearly the worst.
Melvin is an unfit, unhealthy man and should be easy to “arrest”. His wife took martial arts lessons as a kid so approach her with caution.
– Danny Leonardo the Third or Fourth Depending on Who You Ask