What. The. HELL does a town the size of Crumble want some wandering, gun-mad stranger for anyhow?

This is Melvin Li here, with another one of Melvin’s Opinions.

A wolfcat in sheep’s clothing

Today, I’m writing because I’m Pissed Off with how us mere, puny mortals are expected to fawn and delight over some over-exaggerated bandit. This asshole she-witch strolls into our beautiful town for the first time, invited by literally none of us might I add, and we all pull our pants down and bend over.

So you’ve got some wolfcats stalking your children and taking bites out of them when they aren’t looking? Go grab an axe and chop it’s head off! That’s what we did back in my day, when things got done the Crumble way.

Oh, I’m sorry, did someone steal your money and run to One Acre? Go get it back – stop being lazy, it’s not that far.

Hey, listen, I’m sorry bandits kidnapped your husband, flayed him alive, and gave him back to you. But do you need to sob about it? How hard would it be for you to kidnap one of them, flay them alive and then dump them on the road? That’s what we’d do back in my day, anyway.

The death of Town Spirit

Once upon a time, Crumble was a place where folk worked together to overcome hardship. And considering each and every day living in the Waste is hard, that meant we were pretty damn close – as close as two lovers hiding under a bed when the wife comes home. Just ask Old Man McGregor: When he stops muttering and cursing to himself, he has some stories to tell, and not just about adultery, either, although he’s done his share of that – disreputable sod.

This hero represents everything that’s wrong with modern Crumble. We have so many problems, but because a select few walk the Waste with the last remaining guns and are pretty good in a fight (I’ll begrudgingly give them that),  we all try to plop our problems on them and go back to our tiny little lives of ignoring our issues.

Did Johnny Alfredo’s old pa cower in fear when mutant cannibals dragged his wife off to a cave? No, he rounded up a posse and took what was left of her back. For the principle of the thing.

Did Old Man McGregor shy away when a Waste Beast threatened his home? No. And yes, he is still suffering brain damage and has far too few limbs, but he did it himself, damn you. He didn’t need no hero.

So this is Melvin Li, everybody, telling you that you don’t need some trumped up sassybreeches with a good rifle to solve your problems – grab your neighbours and go solve them yourselves.

The Crumble way.

– Melvin Li