Because what this town needs is more oppression, right?

This is Melvin Li here, with another one of Melvin’s Opinions.

Policy? More like fallacy

Moppers has barely been in power long enough to finish a sentence (with ‘what what’ no less) and already it looks like it’s gonna be one of the worst mayorship ordeals in Crumble history.

Hint: THIS IS WHY FIGHT-TO-THE-DEATH WAS BETTER, because nutjobs with money couldn’t get into power unless they worked for it. No political manipulation, no abuse of power, no conspiracy theories – just straight bloodshed. Nice and simple, like it was in my day.

Moppers has barely been in power long and already it looks like it’s gonna be one of the worst mayorship ordeals in Crumble history.

Let’s run through the new policies and write up a little response, right?

1) More police

Great, let’s get more police on the ground. That’ll make this town fucking safer, right? Because the clear issues we have in Crumble are crime-related – not starvation, not rampant disease, not mutation, not a lack of good farmland, not bandit attacks from outside the town. No, the real problem is YOU reading this bulletin post. You’re a filthy criminal, and we need more police to keep you in check.

You’re a filthy criminal, and we need more police to keep you in check.

You filthy criminal.

2) Create more jobs

This sounds like a fabulous idea! Let’s all talk about how Mayor Fopopoly is going to create more jobs by increasing the town’s farming capacity. Oooh yes, this sounds wonderful, like a dream come true.

The reason we don’t farm heaps already is because the ground sucks. We’re surrounded on all sides by either gorge, river, or steep-ass mountains.

FACT CHECK – the reason we don’t farm heaps already is because the ground sucks. We’re surrounded on all sides by either gorge, river, or steep-ass mountains. And the only areas you could actually get a farm onto are covered in houses. So he’s going to tear those down. The moustachioed fat man who stole power from the people’s choice is going to tear your homes down in an effort to bring wealth into the region.

But who’s going to get the wealth? You, or the person you pay ludicrous farming taxes to? Mmmmmmmmmm, I thought as much.

3) Reinvest money from the One Acre Wall

Back in my day, fending off trees at the One Acre Wall was a rite of passage. Young people (and non-people) would up-shop and march down to One Acre to fight for a couple years to help them achieve adulthood. You’d probably lose a limb or two, but you always had a few spare and a positive attitude – it made you mature, made you treasure life, and the life of those around you. The nightmares were just a side effect.

General Archibald Archibald needs a fully manned wall in order to keep the Western Forest from invading.

We have that fucking wall for a reason, right? And it’s manned by that many soldiers for a reason, right? General Archibald Archibald needs a fully manned wall in order to keep the Western Forest from invading and consuming every man, woman, child and other from here right the way down to the Queen’s or Alex’s towns. It’s a long-ass wall – without enough meat to feed to the trees, what’s to stop them just breaking it down in some remote section?

So here’s an idea: Let’s cut its funding, bring most of our soldiers home, and just hope for the best, eh? The forest has retreated out of sight, so it must be out of mind.

Sodding hell.

If you want my advice, readers, get out of town. Move somewhere else. I hear there are plenty of other nice places around the Waste. Hell, go down to Second Edin on the coast – there’s even a school there. Just leave Central Oughta Go.

This new mayor will be the end of us all.

– Melvin