Hello valued readers of the Crumble Bulletin.

We’re here today to address some letters we’ve received regarding the most recent of events around our beautiful, perfect town. In fact, your letters have been streaming in at a near-constant rate, which we’ve only just managed to halt since we forcefully dismantled Helga Twohearts’ letter-gun that she’d pointed at our windows.

And so we begin.

Dear editor,

I live out on ‘Ard Road – or actually, I should say I used to live out ‘Ard Road way, until some big thug with a sledgehammer came and knocked me bloody shack down!

Look, I’m not one to stand in the way of progress, right? I tried that once and it ran me over. Still got a funny leg. But somethin’ stinks about havin’ me own shack taken from me in the name of farm land. Look, nobody’s farming out ‘Ard Road way, are they? It’s bloody ‘ard! That’s why it’s got the name!

I voted for mayor Minopoly an’ now I’m beginning to think I made a mistake. Why are innocent honest decent folk’s houses being taken away from them? Am I gettin’ a new one? The bloke with the sledgehammer told me to take it up with the mayor’s office, but the mayor’s office told me to take it up with the bloke with the sledgehammer.

Ridiculous. Sort it out!

– Thornton

Thornton, if you’re reading this, I can only commiserate you upon the loss of your abode, but know that you should feel pride that your sacrifice is making the Waste a better place. The farm we will definitely build – and it is definite; ‘Ard Road is not too hard for farming – will bring an ounce of prosperity to our fair paradise, and you played a part in that. Well done you.

If you require new premises to live and do whatever it is that you do when you’re not writing complaints, might I encourage you to take it up once more with the mayor’s office.

Dear eddytor,

Yesturday I got beat up by a wuman with 3 fists an a sherif jus watched an laughed. It hurt me pride. An me body.

I wusnt too happy wit the way the sherif dealt wit the incident. Says it wun’t his job to intervene. But wuts his job if not to stop me bein beat up by the wuman again?

From,

Cedrick

Well, thanks for your keen insights, Cedrick, despite your obvious grammatical shortcomings. Not entirely sure what you want us to do about it. If you’re being attacked by someone on the regular, my first piece of advice would be to first see if she is doing it out of affection. I’ve heard some people do that, you know. Mostly children, but then everyone who writes letters to this publication seems to be some kind of child so just double check with her.

It’s not the sheriffs’ jobs to sort out each individual spat around town. They’re here to keep the peace at a whole-town level. If you’ve got a problem with someone, sort it out with them. Can’t do it alone? Find someone who can. It’s really not that hard. Even I can do it, and they say I’m a coward. WELL WHO’S A COWARD NOW, MOTHER? I’M IN CHARGE OF THE WHOLE BULLETIN!

UPDATE: Turns out it was a sign of affection, and I can report Cedrick and Facepuncher the Ham-Fisted appear to be dating as of now. Disgusting to watch, but lovely to have played a role in the blossoming of new love.

Hi editor,

I thought you should know that I saw that pig Flynn Harris around town the other day. He was spending time with some shady character, with their coat collars all popped and hats down over their eyes. Obviously they were trying to do something sneaky and dispicable, why else would they be on a street corner with a popped collar in shade?

He clearly didn’t want to be seen but I’d recognise that beautifu- that disgusting face anywhere.

Sincerely,

Janice Butler

AHAH! So he remains at large. What a hot piece of town gossip that is.

Remember everyone – if you see the disgraced, unworthy Flynn ‘No-Good’ Harris around town, report him immediately to the sheriffs, mayor’s office, or Bulletin.

When you report him, could you also please note where the shady corner is actually located in town? I have no idea what to do with this information.

Alright, I simply don’t have time to read more of these letters I’ve got far more important things around the Bulletin office to do.

Good day to you all. Stop writing complaints.

– Danny Leonardo the Third or Fourth Depending on Who You Ask