Productivity
After a downturn in productivity last update, I’m delighted and happified to report that productivity is up slightly, at a rate of 5.4%. This is in large part due to the new influx in jobs brought about by the Mayor Minopoly regime.
Forecasts indicate that as more disgusting little hovels are legally demolished and replaced with glorious working farms, productivity should continue to climb – offering job opportunties and chances for enrichment (of the soul, not the finances) for a multitude of Crumble citizens.
In light of this, I have been informed that foreman Jacobsonsson is looking for a number of skilled and unskilled hands to join the project. If you fit the criteria below, please apply at his field office out on ‘Ard Road.
- You have a minimum of two hands.
- You enjoy lifting and carrying heavy objects.
- You know how to use an axe or sledgehammer.
- You have few personal scruples.
- You have agricultural experience, or experience in a related field (as in, related job sector, not a literal field that happens to be near a farm).
Health and Wellness
We’re getting reports of a nasty little disease cropping up around Alfie’s Street. Wait, is that where the new shanty town is being built for all the displaced folk? Oh you filthy buggers – clean up after yourselves. Stopping a disease from spreading isn’t hard!
Dr. Goldstein reminds everyone that it’s important to wash frequently and avoid coughing on others to limit the spread of any new virus. If you could just keep your hands off each other for a couple of weeks, we should be right as rain.
Crime and Punishment
After weeks of unrest, it seems most of the protesters have either gone underground or gotten lazy. In either case, crime is down 14% since our last report. However, the sheriffs department is expecting another few upticks before the entire business is dealt with as the so-called Resisters are rooted out, summarily insulted, shown for the corwardly anti-democratic nincompoops they are, and then decapitated.
Warning for main highway
Travellers hoping to take the main road out of town southeast to Second Edin are being warned to travel with guards.
An as-yet-unidentified body was discovered by the side of the road about an hour up the way, which the sheriffs are describing as ‘suspicious’. Dr. Goldstein says that the wounds are consistent with some kind of knife attack, suggesting foul play may have been involved. At this time we think it is unlikely that the male involved stabbed himself sixteen times, although stranger things have happened.
A patrol is currently being organised to march the road and ensure it is safe (or at least safe from bandits, anyway. We can’t say it’ll be safe from the patrol), and the sheriff has personally gone to visit The Queen’s Town to tell them off, just in case it was them.
Either way, you have been warned.
– Danny Leonardo the Third or Fourth Depending on Who You Ask
