Productivity
Overall Crumble productivity has lowered approximately 2.5% the past two weeks, and continues to trend downwards. Forecasts indicate that this slump will continue during the post-election period of unrest and will then plateau while all of you think about what you’ve done. After this it will start to rise.
Analysis indicates that primary causes of shrinking productivity are:
- Low motivation
- Civil unrest caused by rioting, fighting and illegal gatherings
- General laziness
And here’s our beloved mayor’s response:
While these factors are unfortunate, what what, Crumble’s economic climate is strong as is our will to be better. The sheriff’s department will continue to quell these unseemly protests, what what, and I’m sure that we can … encourage the townsfolk of Crumble out of their lethargy. What and indeed, what.
Crime and Punishment
Crime is, as expected, up (48%) in the last few weeks as the sheriff’s department continues to disentangle innocent civilians from the dissidants and ne’er-do-wells that continue to sow unrest around the township.
In addition to the protesting, which I shan’t print about in case I might inadvertently give some lowlife attention-seeker the publicity they crave:
Jail time handed to reckless thief
Four-Fingers the Unwieldy was caught trying to steal from Shoulda Woulda and has been sentenced to 180 days’ jail, followed by three years’ indentured servitude to the new town farms.
After sneaking into Miriam’s compound at night time, Four-Fingers and an unknown accomplice removed a freshly caught willow from its safety cage and attempted to yeet it over the wall so that they could use it to “build a new porch”. However, Four-Fingers’ accomplice soon became entangled in the willow’s root system and suffocated thereafter. Most of the body seems to have been digested and so we have been unable to identify the, well, identity of this person.
Four-Fingers was picked up soon after, partially engangled himself. His leg had to be removed from the knee down to free him, reminding us all how dangerous it is to tangle with trees – even if we think they are dead. Miriam and Shoulda Woulda take great care to protect us from their stock before it has been properly treated, and would like to remind readers of this publication that even a well-chopped tree can be deadly. So perhaps steal from someone else.
– Danny Leonardo the Third or Fourth Depending on Who You Ask
