Oooooh boy. I think it’s safe to say that the mob got out of hand. Let this post serve as the Crumble Bulletin’s official apology – we meant to cause harm, but not to the citizens of Crumble. See official statement below:

Crumble Bulletin official apology

Citizens of Crumble,

It is with our most humble sincerity that we apologise for the scale of destruction caused by last night’s mob, led by Crusty Higgins, Melvin Li, Bob Harker, and Mary. Our intentions were entirely for the good of Crumble; our fair and innocent town had seen an increase in unhappiness since the arrival of the hero, and we felt it our duty to do something.

As law-abiding citizens ourselves, we accept full responsibility for the following:

1. Melvin and Mary’s excessive taunting of the hero, leading to an increase in mob bloodlust and hero anger
2. The first grenade thrown
3. The death of Bob Harker, caused by a wayward axe to the spinal chord
   • Indeed, our greatest apologies go out to Mrs Harker and her two remaining children, and know we will be offering a modest monetary contribution to the funeral

However, we do not accept responsibility for the following:

1. The unfortunate demise of Timmy
   • Clear reports state that Timmy broke formation, moving his wheelchair from the back and into the main melee
   • This behaviour clearly conflicted with Mob Safety Rule #2
2. The many subsequent grenades thrown
3. The total destruction of applicable Crumble homes and hovels
4. The partial destruction of many … so many more
5. The involvement of the Overlords
   • Employing a fully automatic rifle with radioactive ammunition was in clear violation of Mob Permit 205 conditions
   • Charlotte Taylor has accepted full responsibility and will serve a full term in Overlord Prison, presuming she survives the initial week of torture

We have learned from our errors, and will endeavour to do better at the next mob gathering. If you made an error last night, we hope you have also learned from this valuable experience.

Sincerely,

Crumble Bulletin staff

Known death notices from last night

This list is only a small portion of what I believe to be the total casualties. Please let us know at the Bulletin if you would like to declare any more.

1. Bob Harker
   • Last words: “Watch where you’re swinging that, Flynn!”
2. Jesse Harker
   • Last words: “Dad, no!”
3. Wee Timmy
   • Last words: “Don’t worry mum, I got this.”
4. The Smiths, all 10 of them
   • Last words mixed. One of them is known to have said, “Grab her legs!” but we aren’t sure who
5. The Crumble Hero
   • Last words: “Bloody hell there’s a few of you. Could have just asked me to leave…”

Good riddance to her. And now I’m going back to bed…

– Flynn The Hungover