If you are reading this … rejoice!* Crumble’s hero problem will soon be over – she took the job.

Our predictions for how this’ll end

So, slaying 30 man-eating trees is an effort in of itself, to be fair. But Mary outdid herself on coming up with the specifics of our job listing. For sure, as soon as our wonderful, beloved hero steps onto the other side of the One Acre Wall, she’ll be assailed on all sides by ferns, pines, and all sorts of vicious shrubbery.

Let’s say she makes it to the Red Pools or Mount Inspiring. Both of those areas were the sites of historic massacres from a few decades ago, and most of your grandparents probably got eaten there. She’ll probably encounter One-Branch Willy by the water if she stops to drink, and he/she/it has a real liking for human flesh (just ask Mary). If she survives that, the Gates of the Past will bring her down. Nobody’s passed there since that big pohutukawa moved in. Well, except commuting plants.

Our predictions for her life span: Four days. She’ll make it past the lakes – she’s a sly one – but as soon as she gets to the Red Pools, that’s it. Willy loves a bit of hero.

If you want to join the hero’s life span betting pool, come to the Crumble Bulletin office today or tomorrow and chat with Mary.

* Unless you’re some horrible beasty who can read. Get out of Crumble, beasty! We’re sick of folk being eaten.