I can’t believe I have to write this.

Dr Goldstein’s office has issued a stark public health and safety warning: Please poo in a toilet – the street isn’t a toilet!

It might seem convenient just to pop outside, drop trou and let loose in the gutter, but you’re contributing to the spread of germs. Germs, if you don’t know, are tiny little micro creatures that live everywhere and make you feel sick sometimes. Dr Goldstein says they’re also good sometimes, but he wasn’t clear on when that is and we’re not super comfortable publishing the notion. Oh, also, you can’t kill them with knives or bullets, so don’t try. We already did.

If your home does not come equipped with a proper toilet or shit-pit, please make your way to your nearest public facility.

If your home does not come equipped with a proper toilet or shit-pit, please make your way to your nearest public facility. There are plenty around. The street does not count, no matter how awful it might smell.

Crumble’s sewage system is designed to carry your waste and is more than capable of taking it all – yes even after that big curry last night. Whenever you pour water down your toilet, your waste is flushed into a series of tunnels dug underground, to be taken to the Crumble River where it becomes someone else’s problem. While we do hear the arguments that putting your waste outside on the street means the frequent acid rains can clean the germs away, it also smells. So, you know…stop.

We don’t want to tell you how to live your life, but we also don’t want to catch some horrible germ from your hideous backside. So stop destroying the bloody street and do it in the toilet like a civilised person.

– Flynn