It’s been an exciting day here at the Crumble Bulletin. Mary and I have been running around like headless mutants talking to people, gathering up all sorts of colourful banners and just generally being useful. Well, Mary was. I sat here and drank all day.
First two candidates announced
The first two candidates have stepped forwards and announced their official campaigns! One I’m sure you all expected, but the other may startle you. Not necessarily shock, but startle. Like stepping outside your home to see Old Man McGregor in the buff, snoring on the ground. It’s not shocking, but it’ll take you by surprise.
OK, enough about McGregor’s wrinkly balls – let’s get on with the good stuff!
Candidate 1: Mr Minopoly
Yes, yes, yes, we all expected this. After mouthing off about how great he is for the past five years, Mr Minopoly – our only resident financial adviser for those who haven’t met him – has stepped up to take the honour of Crumble Mayor.
“It would be rather foolish of me to not step up after boasting for so long, wouldn’t it? What what,” he told Mary at the pub. “Considering I’ve set plenty of you townsfolk on the path to financial health, I’m sure I can do the same for the town as mayor. What what.”
Predicted strengths:
- Financing and budgets (arguably Tom’s weak point)
- Town strategic planning
- Saying “what what” and growing a moustache
Predicted weaknesses:
- Doesn’t take criticism well (don’t forget that he had Edwina Packard’s sixth husband killed ’cause of that thing that time. Buggerme, I can’t remember what it was about. But don’t you forget!)
- Could die any day now of arrogantitis
- Says “what what” a lot, and it’s kinda annoying
Candidate 2: Murder Matt
Flynn Harris here from Flynn Harris’s Bulletin Updates. Have you ever tried Bulletin updates? Well … umm, fuck … umm … you should!
So I’m not as good at selling stuff as Murder Matt, but now this manic bugger is opting into the game of mayorship. Considering his current business hasn’t done so well recently, this is certainly a bold move. But then, Murder Matt always comes back with a new venture. He’s like those octorats by the town privy – knock ’em down and just watch ’em come right back up and stick their wet nose up yer arse.
“Murder Matt here, letting everyone know that I’m starting the Murder Matt’s Magnificent Mayor campaign!” he yelled in the square today. “You want a leader who knows how to handle a business and can bring one back from the brink of death? You need Murder Matt’s Magnificent Mayor campaign! Murder Matt’s Magnificent Mayor Campaign! Murder Matt’s Magnificent Mayor Campaign!”
Predicted strengths:
- Sound business strategy
- Very good at bringing stuff back from the dead (including humans, if you remember his fourth business, ‘Murder Matt’s Murder-B-Gone Ressurection Service”)
- Adding ‘Murder Matt’ to most sentences
Predicted weaknesses:
- Has seen many a business venture fail
- Questionable name
- His views on agricultural trade policy will be a step backwards for the regional industry
Stay tuned to the Crumble Bulletin for more coverage of election season!
– Flynn Harris
