Wow! I did not expect this new voting system to be picked up so quickly by Crumble. No offense meant to you all, of course, but the to-the-death system was certainly a lot of fun. Letters have been streaming in from all corners, talking about how awesome it is to finally have a competition that promotes intelligence and flamboyancy rather than bloodlust and dismemberment (which is a shame – I rather liked the old system).
We have two new candidates to announce! Let’s get on with it.
Candidate 3: Edwina Packard
Considering the amount of talk and political gossip that is going to take place over the next few weeks, it’s probably of no real surprise that the town flappy mouth, Edwina Packard, has stepped up to the plate. Or is it stepped on the plate? I dunno … what does that saying even mean?
Edwina has long been a blabbermouth, but she also seems to know everything about everyone – arguably a vital skill for a mayor. This is what she had to say during her announcement speech:
“It’s time I puts my skills at communication and relationship building to use. I know you are all as excited about this as I am, and I also know a lot about each of you that tells me you’ll vote for me even if you don’t want to.”
Predicted strengths:
- Relationship building (gotta hand that to her, at least)
- Knowing everybody’s secrets at all times
- Talking people to death
Predicted weaknesses
- Shutting up to let others have a say
- Frequently says the wrong thing at wrong time
- Bit of a bitch, really
Candidate 4: Alex Alexson Sr. Sr.
In a rather surprising campaign announcement, the patriarch of Alex’s Town has left his wife, Alex, and their 3 children (all called Alex) to migrate up here for a mayorship campaign. This certainly is a fascinating turn of events, but what’s more interesting is that Alex’s policies have thus far been very sensible. I actually spoke with him last night at his tent-home about what he intends to do here in Crumble.
“The people of Crumble deserve a proven leader with a sound mind,” he told me. “I understand the nature of trade, commerce, and rural economics, and I intend to start building on the fundamental industries this town is known for. This will be a prosperous, wealthy place, and of course anyone who tries to get in the way of that will perish.”
Predicted strengths
- Sound knowledge of running a town (having done so for some years down in Alex’s Town)
- Can say a lot of smart-sounding things
- Physically very strong (though, drawback, hugely violent)
Predicted weaknesses
- Unsettlingly mutated body
- No, seriously, it’s horrid
- I actually vomited a little
That’s it, folks. That’s all of our candidates! Stay tuned to the Bulletin as we bring you coverage on the rest of the election process, starting with the first of four debates in a few days.
Also, if any of them do fight to the death, you can be sure that we’ll be there to cheer.
– Flynn Harris
