Mob safety rules for this evening

When you’re desperately trying to survive a post-nuclear paradise like the Waste, safety is of paramount importance. Just ask Mary – in her early days, she got up to all kinds of mischief, but she’s still standing now.

This evening’s mob could be one of two things: A fun family outing where the kids get to learn a little about the birds, bees, and town justice; or it will be an utter disaster, where kids learn about the birds, bees, and what their insides look like. I spoke with Melvin this morning about his opinions on mob safety. Say what you will about his views on Crumble, he’s a veteran of the mob arts.

These are his rules…

Rule 1: Stay with your buddy

When shit starts going down and there’s yelling all around you, it’s not uncommon to feel a niggling little sensation at the back of your mind. No, it’s not a radioactive tumour sprouting out of your skull, it’s an emotion called fear.

“Fear will tell you to piss off in the other direction,” said Melvin, “but if you stick with your designated buddy or buddies, you have someone to watch your back.”

“If the going gets tough in the melee, you’ve got a couple of good meat shields, too. I recommend sticking with folk larger than you where possible – more to cower behind.”

*Stay with your buddy so there’s a 50 per cent extra chance they’ll die, not you.*

Rule 2: Hold your formation

At the start of the mob, you’ll get placed in a very specific formation. As we mentioned in one of our recent Bulletin posts, this will be defined by the angriness of your face, the strength in your swing, or whether we’d rather hide you at the back so you can participate, but you’re not at the highest risk of being shot in the face. If you decide in the heat of the moment to advance past your station, you risk upsetting the balance of the entire evening.

“If your face isn’t angry enough in the front, we won’t intimidate the subject,” Melvin continued. “If your arm isn’t strong enough just behind, the subject will rip your limbs off and beat you to death with them, then crash through you and beat your family with the same limbs. It’ll be like you beat your own kids with your own fist, all because ya screwed up. Don’t be a screw-up.”

*Good formation is important to achieve optimum Waste mob results*.

Rule 3: Drink plenty of liquids

Mobbing is physical work. It involves lots of hard, strenuous activity, not to mention a heap of shouting, jeering, and name-calling. Considering we are forming a mob to take down just one subject, chances are we’ll be led on a merry old chase before catching up with our sticks and stones, which means plenty of running, too.

“If you don’t keep hydrated, you’ll lag behind. If you lag behind, you’ll hold up the whole group and the subject will get away,” said Mel. Then he got angrier.

“If the subject gets away, this entire shit will be for nothing. So drink your damned water. I don’t care if it’s green and glowing with little insects in it – deal with the repercussions tomorrow morning. Tonight is about justice, not your candy-ass stomach. We’ve got a job to do, and a town to save.”

*Hydration is the difference between being alive and less alive.*

Remember, mob this evening! Forming at the Crumble Bulletin at nightfall. Don’t be an ass – turn up.

– Flynn Harris