Mr Minopoly held a press conference at Moppers HQ today, and by that I mean he spoke briefly to the Crumble Bulletin when harassed outside his front door.
Mopper’s response to bad policies
I asked Mr Minopoly to comment on the fears surrounding his policies, which are, to be sure, steaming piles of crap.
I asked Mr Minopoly to comment on the fears surrounding his policies, which are, to be sure, steaming piles of crap.
“My policies, what what, have been carefully considered over a long period of time by a large group of highly intelligent people,” Minopoly responded. “I wouldn’t expect someone like you, Flynn, to understand them. What what.”
– Tearing down homes
When pressed on the home-destroying issue, Mr Minopoly explained that building more farms is a “key component” in expanding town profitability. Across the Waste, he said, the wealthiest environments are those where strong focus has been put on maximising free land space for crops, cattle, or anything else that someone might be inclined to farm (he did not comment on what he meant by this).
Building more farms is a key component in expanding town profitability.
“When you maximise farming output, what what, you create a positive economical cycle, dear boy. That is, a cycle of money that increases itself, by itself. what what,” he said.
According to our rotund mayor, farming creates jobs (I’m paraphrasing here), and fat people and more jobs create tourism, and tourism creates more jobs and more fat people. So what Mayor Minopoly really wants, I believe, is fat people.
Like himself.
– One Acre Wall
“The One Acre Wall is expensive, Flynn, what what. Have you any notion of how costly it is to constantly man a nearly 100-kilometre wall?”
General Archibald Archibald has too many soldiers, which is grossly disproportionate to the actual threat level.
General Archibald Archibald apparently has too many soldiers, which is grossly disproportionate to the actual threat level. He says that recent scouting reports have shown the Western Forests have retreated for miles – further than the scouts were willing to walk – presumably using their forces to eat some other town in the Waste. With less threat, we need less soldiers. These soldiers could instead be used to make people fat, or so I am reminded.
But what if the forest comes back?
“We will deal with such an event, what what, when, or if, it occurs,” Moppers grumps.
– Dr Goldstein
So we know that Dr Goldstein is being leaned on to up his prices and hire scalpel-happy apprentices. But why?
We can’t have just one doctor for Oughta Go’s biggest town outside Second Edin.
“Do you value your health, Flynn my boy?” Moppatops asks.
I suppose I technically don’t, but I think the answer here is “Yes.”
“Then you need an expanded medical team, what what. We can’t have just one doctor for Oughta Go’s biggest town outside Second Edin, can we, m’boy? What if he dies? So, we are encouraging Dr Goldstein, what what, to train a series of underlings to perform minor medical tasks like bullet removal or limb transplants, while he – what what – focuses on the higher level surgeries.”
– Mopper’s dark secret?
I press Minopoly on his dark secrets – where have the Ben Tuck’s Perm bodies gone, who were those children, and why does he need guard wolfcats and big-ass walls?
“It would be ridiculous for me to even comment on such farcical questions, Flynn,” he replies.
And so the conspiracy deepens.
It’s clear now to this reporter that our Mayor is stark-raving mad. Drunk on power, some might say, or just a money-hungry fat man hungry for more money (and keen on making everyone else just as hungry). Even Edwina Packard would have had policies that make more sense than these. Build tourism? What? Like anyone would actually want to visit Crumble. We have enough trouble just trying to encouarge our young folk to stay.
And that’s not to mention the ludicrosity of taking soldiers away from the One Acre Wall. Obviously Mayor Minopoly was not alive during the last forest attack. I mean, neither was I, but my pappy always said it was scary. And he should know, because he was scary, too.
Make your voices HEARD, people. If you don’t like the new mayor, tell people about it. Don’t protest, because that’s illegal, but DO start loud conversations with yourself in public spaces.
– Flynn
