Good morning, people of Crumble. We’re coming at you LIVE from the Mayor’s office where he is about to deliv-

What do you mean it’s not really live, Mary? I can see you writing it all down as I speak.

–Yes it is. That’s exactly what ‘live’ means. I speak it live here at the office, you write it down, and then the people read it live on our Bulletin board or in their homes or wherever it is that they read this dreadful publication.

Really? That’s what live means? Are you sure? You don’t look like you’re sure of anything, Mary, I can see it on your face. If you were sure I rather think you wouldn’t have worn that scarf today. Sweet mercy, woman, look at how it clashes with your skirt and eyeballs. It’s like someone vomitted colour onto you but they’d half digested it first.

Oh for- OK, look, I apologise. That was out of turn. You’ve been a good help to me as I have settled into my forced servitude at the Bulletin office and I appreciate it. It’s a nice scarf, it is. Definitely doesn’t match the rest of the ensemble but if you were wearing almost literally anything else it would have been rather fetching. Is that better? You can stop crying now.

I said you can stop now.

OK, that’s not ideal but we’re getting there. Shall we continue? Work will distract you from your thoughts of misery and self realisation.

Coming at you not quite live from the Mayor’s Office

This is Danny Leonardo the Third or Fourth Depending on Who You Ask coming at you not quite live from the Mayor’s Office on this delightfully frosty morning, freezing my nipples off so I can give you all the latest information right from the Mayor’s mouth and onto the Bulletin.

I apologise in advance for the lack of illustrations in this particular post. I know that Crusty Higgins would normally whip up some little drawings for us all to enjoy and to punctuate the text but, alas, he’s a terrorist now and if we saw him we’d probably have to batter his brains in with a big stick. I even have one in my coat, just in case I spot the bastard. And his cohort that awful, downright nasty Melvin Li. And Flynn. Though I can only assume someone has murdered Flynn by now because why wouldn’t they? He’s just so annoying.

Oh, the Mayor is coming out of his office so it’s about to begin.

Mayor speaks, the people listen

“People of Crumble, thank you for joining me on this cold morning, what what,” he says, a fine figure of a man. By golly he’s looking healthy. Look at that lovely red skin – it very much distracts from the fact that half his skull appears like it caved in. I’m not even staring at it like I used to.

“By now you have heard that I intend to adjust government funding to various bodies around Crumble and Central Oughta Go, what what. Well, you have heard correctly. You will find a full list of budgetary amendments in this four-thousand and ninety-six-page document, which I’m sure you will all take the time to read if you could only get a copy off of my underlings. Which you can’t, what what, because they’re using it and we only printed one. But trust me when I tell you that the changes make sense.”

That checks out in our eyes.

“The headline news, if I might borrow a term from our beloved Crumble Bulletin, what what-“

Woah that’s us! We got a shout out. I am brimming with excitement.

“-is that we are indeed trimming the fat off our rather bloated little One Acre Wall, what what.” This got a murmur from the crowd. It’s been a hot topic, to be sure. “As of this afternoon we will reduce the amount of money we’re sending the One Acre Wall by as much as 90 per cent. The vast majority of the soldiery will return home, and General Archibald Archibald will be requested to retire at his nearest opportunity. We’ve even created a little home for him in One Acre so he can live out the rest of his days in peace and obscurity, where he won’t bother any of us with his blustering and complaints, what what.”

The murmuring is getting a little louder, and I can see the Mayor’s bodyguards moving in closer. The crowd is also totally surrounded by sheriffs at this point, so I don’t fancy anyone’s chances if they decide to heckle. But you can feel the tension in the air, that little fizz of electric energy that tells me there’s more than a few people who don’t understand why the Wall is being cut, and why it’s actually a great idea. That’s what happens when you’re an under-educated simpleton, I suppose. You don’t learn stuff. It’s a funny old world.

“The truth is we are wasting a very large fortune on the Wall, what what, and I know what I’m talking about when I talk about fortunes!” At this he chuckles at his own joke, and I chuckle too. He certainly knows a lot about being rich, it’s true. We have a lot to learn from him. “The Western Forest hasn’t been a real threat in decades and there’s no evidence to suggest that it will ever be a threat again, what what. So, we are going to take the 90% we’re saving and re-invest it in other projects. New farms, road projects, even a new school to replace that old child prison, what what. I have been in close contact with some of my cohorts around Oughta Go and Can’t Be Buried and we believe that if we each invest more money into roads and security we can start properly sharing wealth between the regions, what what. Imagine that? Wealth just waltzing into our town. Traders and tourists just walking from place to place, spending all of their money. It’s a very real opportunity, what what, but it takes money.”

Someone in the crowd just heckled. Or did they ask a question? It was hard to tell, their voice was so hideously high-pitched I barely registered the noise. But the sheriffs were quick to jump in, and they’ve been dragged away kicking and screaming. I don’t think the Mayor intends to take questions today, which is just as well because I haven’t thought of any that I want to ask. That’s what happens when you trust your leader – you can just listen and not have to think. It’s much more relaxed.

At this point it looks like the conference is winding down. Mayor Minopoly repeated a few of his points and took great care to remind us all how good an idea this is and how much money a bit more trade and tourism could bring into Central Oughta Go. A couple more people tried to ask questions but they were all declined. What’s the point? All the right information has been said already.

So it looks like that’s where we’ll be leaving you today, good people of Crumble (except Crusty Higgins and Melvi Li who can go die in a hole and preferably also cover the hole so they don’t stink).

In concludium

Funding cut to wall.

More money to be invested in Crumble.

Better roads, farms, school, and general prosperity.

The other regions are doing the same.

More trade and tourism.

Boom, wealth.

Sounds good to me.

– Danny Leonardo the Third or Fourth Depending on Who You Ask