Mateys and potateys, welcome to the third Crumble debate! This is the final of the series, with voting scheduled to take place not long after the conclusion of tonight’s big event. The smog has been shining all day and here at the Bulletin, we’re taking that as a good sign.

So, let’s get stuck into the live-right-now-but-not-when-I-write-it coverage, shall we?

It’s bright and I’m bored

UGH, I’m bored.

My feet hurt.

I have a headache.

I’m tired.

Someone next to me just farted. It smells like sulfur. Actually, is that Sulfur Joe? OK, it might actually be sulfur. I’m gonna move away.

OK, I moved away.

Finally, folk have arrived

Murder Matt and Edwina Packard just stormed into the square and up onto the stage, yelling and cursing at each other. Minopoly seems to be slinking around in the background with a bodyguard. Looks to be Mary’s nephew – a big lad, to be sure. Got biceps like boulderfrogs on all four of his arms. Even that tiny little mutant arm near his belly button (the second belly button, anyway).

Now Mary’s nephew is yelling at Murder Matt, and Edwina is yelling at the nephew. The Overlord soldier units in the background seem to be stepping closer. Oooooooh this is getting good! It doesn’t look like they’re even going to bother trying to debate this time – they’ve been holding all their animosity for this moment. It’s as though nobody told them this isn’t the Fight to the Death system. Old habits die hard.

YES!

Murder Matt just pulled out a weapon (one of his failed products, the Murder Matt’s Murderiser, or, in other words, a big stick with nails in it). Edwina is stepping back quickly, but Mary’s nephew is moving in for a fight.

Oooh, Murder Matt took a big swing at Mary’s nephew but the bugger just caught it in his big ol’ hand. Hand like a brick, I always said he had. Lo and behold, I was right. I bet Matt could build a hovel with one of those things.

Anyway, Murder Matt is being lifted off the ground by his neck and seems to be kicking his legs pretty hard trying to get away. Edwina is moving in from right-field and … yes! She is now shivving Matt with some kind of knife, stabbing him repeatedly in what I think used to be his kidney.

The Overlords move in to help

The soldiers are moving in quickly now. It was nice of them to hold back and give us a show, first! No doubt they wanted to see if the candidates would end this debate themselves without assistance.

An Overlord just threw Edwina off the stage and is now holding a gun to Mary’s nephew. There looks to be about two other soldiers spiralling in from the left, one holding a chain, I guess so they can cuff Mary’s nephew safely and drag him off for Reconditioning?

Oh wow!

Man, that was a bad move, nephew m’boy! Actually, I should write that down and not just my chain of thoughts.

So, umm, Mary’s nephew just threw Murder Matt at the right-hand Overlord, then spun and tried to grapple another soldier. He’s been shot three times in the leg, once in each arm, and is now being forced to the ground by a robo-knee. The bots seem to be debating with each other.

They are still debating. Murder Matt is not moving. Don’t know where Edwina slithered off to. Mr Minopoly seems to have vanished, too.

The Question Asker robot just got onto the stage and examined Mary’s nephew. I think that means they are deciding what to do with him – kill or jail, I presume. If it were me, I’d whack him right there on the stage. Sorry, Mary, but the boy is a danger to the town. We told your sister that when he was born with muscles the size of mine, a set of fangs in his mouth, and that weird birth mark the crazy nurse said was an Omen. She should have done something then and there, but she didn’t. This is on you, Mary. This is all on you.

EEK!

Woops, I flinched. They just shot Mary’s nephew in the head. I’ll go see if he survived it.

…

…

Yuck! Yep, he definitely didn’t survive it. His brain is now outside his body (and surprisingly intact, actually. I might ask if I can take it home and put it in a jar as a wee keepsake). Blugh, this looks gross. And it smells like sulfur! Oh, wait, Sulfur Joe is here again. Sweet mercy, man, go bathe in the river! The acid will clean your skin like nothing else.

Well I guess that about wraps up this debate. Something tells me nobody is going to come back and answer some dumb political questions, now.

Does that mean we can vote? I’m tired of the build-up. I wanna vote, or watch more candidates stab each other.

IT’S ONE OR THE OTHER. STOP TEASING US!

– Flynn Harris