Welcome to the second Crumble debate, being reported sort-of live by me, your favourite writer, drinking buddy, and occasional awkward love partner – Flynn Harris. Right, enough of my bollocks, let’s get stuck into some political bollocks.

Today’s debate begins

It’s another cloudy afternoon here in Crumble, but at least it stopped raining acid! That got pretty scary for a second. Actually, I can still see some melted people in the street, and I’m positive the puddle I just stepped in used to be someone who frequented my pub.

Looks like the excitement of the last debate has got even more people coming out today. The town square is absolutely packed! I don’t think I’ve seen this many Crumble folk engaged with a public speech since Tom Armstrong promised to recite Edwina Packard’s erotic love poetry while being executed to death on the stage. Who knew her grasp of iambic pentameter was so good?

I wish the electoral candidates would recite erotic love poetry. We could vote them in on a mixture of both creative and sexy merit. Man, I really should have run for mayor.

OK, here come the contestants, err, I mean candidates.

Mr Minopoly is stepping up first, looking pretty confident for a man whose head was caved in last time. Murder Matt is up, too, and appears to be wearing extra body armour (smart move, sir).

Rightio, here come Edwina and Alex, already bickering as they step up behind their desky speaky things.

Great, it looks like they are all fairly calm. This ought to be a blast…

The questions come thick, fast and boring

The Overlord Question Asker has taken its place, so I guess we’re about to begin.

“Welcome to the second debate, pathetic beings of blood and meat,” it greeted. Everyone nodded a hello in return.

“Question One is for all four of you, though it has been predicted that you would all fail the task. Why is the Crumble economy in the state that it is, and how would you solve this with the limited power you might be granted? Gossipy Female Human, you begin.”

Edwina looks confused. Yes, Edwina, it meant you.

“Umm … the economy, yes,” she has begun, startlingly poorly for someone hell-bent on making talking a profession. “I think the Crumble economy is in the dire straits that it’s in because we continue to sink valuable public money into bound-to-fail business ventures, such as more or less everything by Murder Matt.”

Oooh, that got a gasp from the crowd. And Matt’s glare could probably kill a small octorat. Only a small one, though.

“As for how I would solve this issue, I would firstly execute Murder Matt, then I would demand that all businesses submit their proposals to the Mayor’s office for approval before commencing operations.”

I think Murder Matt has another brick…

Second answer, still no violence to report

Right, Mr Minopoly just answered second and gave a big, long (and, admittedly, very detailed) speech about why the economy is failing. I’m skipping it because it had maths and stuff, and I couldn’t really follow it. He blamed it more or less entirely on the Crumble Hero stealing so much of our money, but I think it’s because Mr Minopoly clearly ate all the food, so now nobody can make money ’cause they so starving. ZING.

Alex Alexson Sr Sr is up next, and it looks like he’s taken extensive notes while the other speakers have been talking. He actually has a bit of a knack for economy, so I’ve heard, so no doubt he’s about to give Mr Minopoly a run for his OH SWEET TITTY TICKLERS WHAT JUST HAPPENED?!

Alex has just spontaneously combusted. I repeat – Alex has spontaneously combusted. My goodness, there’s fire all over him! The screaming, oh man the screaming is so loud. I’ve never heard screaming this blood-curdling. It pierces the soul! I bet my soul hurts more than literally all of his melting skin right now. Sweet mercy, that flame is ferocious. I’m quite far back from the front and I can feel the heat from here. He’s just screaming and screaming, just standing there holding his desk thingy. Not even running in circles or waving his hands, just standing there and screaming. Standing and screaming. Gripping and standing and screaming.

I’m gonna be sick.

OK, I was sick. I got a little on my notebook but it’s OK, I’ll use it as ink.

Everyone is fleeing in terror. The other candidates fled immediately, and the Overlords have sent in a series of those rubbery F-Unit fire control bots to contain the fire that is now spreading to the rest of the stage. Alex is still ablaze, but the screaming is dying down now. I think his vocal chords are gone, but his skeleton is still gripping the desky thing and standing. Gripping and standing, standing and melting. I can smell it now, really strongly. It’s like a burnt pigcow steak, but a little more appetising. It actually smells pretty good, is that bad?

I have no idea where to end this live coverage. The debate seems to be over, but Alex is still absolutely 100% on fire, and so is half the stage. One of the F-Units has actually been consumed by it, now, and has collapsed to the groun- OHMAHGOODNESS it exploded! It literally burst, like a sealed pot put on the stove with no steam vent. I saw sparks and everything!

This night turned out alright! I hope next week’s debate is as good. They just keep getting better!

– Flynn Harris