Hi all, welcome to Crumble’s first ever Election Debate. This is being covered by me live, but of course it won’t be live by the time you read it. But I’m doing it live, so it’s Live Coverage. Big thanks to Crusty Higgins for doing rushed sketches of what’s going on, so we can publish some pictures!
Let’s get started…
People are gathering
It’s a chilly, windy evening here in the Crumble town square, but it looks like the townsfolk are coming out in their droves. It’s good to see a couple of food stalls popping up around the fringes, but I wish they sold something edible so we could enjoy it.
Alright … something’s happening on the stage. Argh, some big fucker’s head is in the way, hold on while I move.
OK, I moved.
It appears that the electoral candidates are all stepping up onto the platform and taking positions behind these weird, tall, thin desk thingies. They’re shuffling a bunch of papers. Murder Matt sneezed. OK, now Edwina Packard is telling him off for not covering his mouth. OK, now Alex Alexson Sr. Sr. is getting involved. OK, they have been split up.
Tensions are high
My hands are cold, but I’ll keep going until something interesting happens.
OK, something interesting is happening. Oh wait, I should write what it is. Um, an Overlord is taking a seat at a normal desk (not a tall, thin one) in front of the stage, facing the candidates. Everyone just went super duper quite – I think it might be because the Overlords just pointed some weapons at us and told us all to be super duper quiet. They didn’t use those words, though.
The debate begins
“Welcome to the debate, fleshy, weak humans,” the Desk Overlord just said. The candidates murmured a thank you.
“Question One is for Spherical Candidate, Mr Minopoly,” it started. “If an Overlord gave you the choice between saving a baby and saving yourself, which would you choose?”
A great question. I’d choose myself – I have more to offer the world. What’s a baby done to deserve being saved, anyway?
Minopoly is thinking…
“I would choose myself-” ooh, that got a gasp from the crowd, “-but hear out my reasoning. If I chose the baby-“
“Silence, skinbag,” the Overlord just cut him off. “You were not asked for your reason. Sit there and think about your selfish fleshy ways, monster.”
Tensions are high again
My hands are getting colder because I forgot my gloves. The wind is picking up a little bit, but I think it’s not going to get any worse. This is kinda boring, I hope somebody stabs somebody else soon.
“Question Two is for the Flappy-Mouthed Packard,” the Overlord just said. It stole my insult…
“How would you describe yourself to other skinbags if placed in an uncomfortable conversational moment at a lavish soiree flesh party?”
Edwina is smiling really widely. “Well, that’s easy, m’lord [what a kiss ass]. I’d say I was charming, friendly and wonderfully intelligent.” Alex just took a breath to speak, but Edwina raised a hand. “AND I know every little thing about every little person in this town – and let’s not forget that.” She just scowled at him.
I’m hungry.
The Overlord is looking at Alex. “Human From The Other Town, do you have a response?”
Alex nodded, giving Edwina an angry look. “I do. The woman, and I use that word in verbal italics [don’t worry, Alex, I put it in written italics for you. Hey, italics Alex. That rhymes], is a gossip whore, and to call her intelligent would be a gross insult to those of us who actually care about this election and this town.”
OH WOW, SOMETHING REALLY COOL JUST HAPPENED. THIS JUST GOT GENUINELY EXCITING.
This just got genuinely exciting
Right, oh man I’m scribbling so fast, OK, right. So. Edwina just lurched from behind her thin desky thing and started punching Alex Alexson Sr. Sr. in the face. Now he’s raking her face and chest with his claws, trying to push her off. Mr. Minopoly is backing off quickly, but it looks like Murder Matt is just saying his name over and over again, going in the same direction as Minopoly.
OH SHIT. DID THAT SERIOUSLY JUST HAPPEN? Sorry, sorry, I’m forgetting to write it down! This is so EXCITING.
Murder Matt just pulled out a mud brick and hit Minopoly around the head with it. On the other side of the stage, Alex has gotten on top of Edwina and is trying to gouge her eyes out with his spindly claw fingers. She’s blocking him with one arm and it appears stabbing him in the torso with her other. Now Alex is clutching at his side and rolling off. The Overlords aren’t doing anything yet. I don’t think they realise something is wrong.
Minopoly is down for the count, and it looks like Murder Matt is taking a place back at his desk thing. Edwina is crawling away, with Alex Alexson rolling on the ground. Blood is pooling beneath him, but I know a handy flowchart he can use to tell if he’ll require medical attention. Actually, I have it on my person. I’ll look at it real quick.
Nah, he doesn’t need medical attention. He’ll be fine. He just has to cover the wound.
Ah fuck, someone’s head just got in the way. Oh dammit, it’s that bugger from before. Hold on, I’m going to have a word with him.
OK, I had a word with him. He hit me and pushed me away. My hands are still cold.
The Overlord soldiers in the back are moving forwards now, looks like the fight is over. Aww, it was getting so good.
There’s a bit of booing coming from the crowd, but the Overlords are breaking it all up now. One of them is walking towards me.
One of them is still walking towards me.
Oh, right, it’s asking me to move on. I should go.
That’s it, folks. Crumble’s very first debate was a stunning success! I hope you all join us again for continued coverage of Election Season!
– Flynn Harris
