We’ve just heard word that Donald Hugh – whose wee lad got et by a Waste Beast not too long ago – is putting together a posse to go take down the beast that’s prowling around the road to One Acre.

IT IS STUPIDLY IMPORTANT THAT HE DOES NOT ATTACK THAT CREATURE

I spoke with travelling Waste Beast expert Half-Faced Gemma about the mysterious, deadly creatures, and why Donald Hugh should NOT go and attack it. Big thanks to Mary for writing it down as we talked, but next time, Mary – maybe only write down the important bits.

(Note from the editor: Gemma speaks with quite a terrible impediment, on account of only having half a face, so we have translated it in full. Just be aware for if you speak with her in person at the pub, you’ll need to listen real close, but not too close so that you can smell the et half of her face…)

Gemma, what is it that makes Waste Beasts so deadly?

Well Flynn, lemme put it in some perspectives for you. Waste Beasts can come in all shapes, right? Some walk on two legs, some on four, some have claws, some have teeth, one noted specimen from Can’t Be Buried had spines on its back that it could shoot at considerable speed. ‘Waste Beast’ is just a generic name we give to a plethora of horrible monsters that really ought not to exist.

So what ties these all together? Size and ferocity. And they are almost exclusively carnivorous. Average height? Eight feet, though I’ve seen plenty taller. Hell, the one that took my face was a good tenner [that means 10 feet, apparently]. If a beastie stands to its full height and stops slouching like a teenager, it’ll be loads taller.

Now let’s start adding in the other features. Claws the size of your fist? Check. Armour could literally build a house with? Check. Teeth the size of lots of teeth clumped together? Check.

And we’re only getting started. Most of these buggers laze about in caves and ruins all day waiting to get hungry, but piss one off and it’ll chase ya down. And I guarantee a Waste Beast can run faster’n you.

So why would one appear, then disappear, then come back?

We’re not actually sure specifically the reason why the beasties wander like they do. I mean, we’ve tried askin’ politely, but then they aren’t known for being polite back.

Some of my colleagues from the School of Beasties in Second Edin [that’s on the coast, a good week’s walk from here] reckon theys travel for food. They eat a crap load every day, the big ones especially. M’colleagues figures that Wasties eat a place dry, then move on to somewhere else. Makes sense, so it’s good enough for science.

I think it’s a sex thing. If you were stuck outside the Waste on your own, wouldn’t you wanna travel for a decent mate? I know I would. And you don’t look so bad yourself, Flynn. Maybe we can meet up after this?

I’m not sure that would be appropriate, Gemma

Hey now, don’t be shy. You’re a handsome man, Flynn. I’m a half a beautiful woman – fully intact down there, though. Ya can trust me on that. Couple of pints and off we go, eh?

I think we should get back on track and talk about Waste Beasts

Aww, you’re going so red!

This situation is awkward for me

Well, that’s what the pints are for.

I’d really like to talk about Waste Beasts

Oh you’re no fun at all. Fine. What else do you want to know?

Umm, I don’t even remember what my questions were

(Laughs)

You’ve thrown me

Not yet I haven’t.

Something about… Oh yes! Donald Hugh. Why is it important that he doesn’t attack the local Waste Beast?

Someone in your town is gonna go attack it? Ohohohohoho, you’re all so fucked.

Yes, but why?

(Still chortling)

Seriously, I need you to tell me so Mary can write it down and we can publish it

Someone really, genuinely thinks they can kill it?

Yes

(Starts laughing again)

OK, can you really stop laughing now? Some of your face is starting to fall off

Hahaha, woo … deep breaths, deep breaths. Listen, Flynn, I like ya, so I’m gonna say this plainly. If Donald Wassisname attacks that beastie, even with a whole posse, it’s going to eat them all, then it’s going to trace the scent back to this town and eat some more folk. Out of spite, if nothing else. Hell, you’ll probably see it vomit just so it can eat more.

It is crucially important that whatever you small-town folk do, do. not. attack. that. Waste Beast. Not when I’m still in town. Wait till I leave then do as ya please. Do you understand?

Sort of?

Good. Now let’s go get that pint.

– Flynn Harris (with thanks to Mary)