The following message is brought to you by the office of Mayor Minopoly, in conjunction with Glenn’s Free Corpse Wagon Ltd. Glenn’s Free Corpse Wagon – Never late for your late.

Glenn’s Free Corpse Wagon Ltd. is reporting an uptick in undeceased recently deceased making their way onto the wagon.

This message is to remind you that ALL deceased family members – whether you liked them or not, and whether they smell or not – must be checked thoroughly before corpse day each week. Glenn has lost three wagonpushers in as many months, and will refuse to deliver to your street should another undeceased family member be discovered.

If you would like this free service to continue for you and your neighbours, check your corpses!

How to check a corpse

The following list is 6 ways you can check if your late family member isn’t as late as you thought.

1. Poke them with a stick until they become irritated.
2. Yell in their ear.
3. Amputate some of their limbs and see what happens.
4. Poke them in the butt with your finger.
5. Hold your finger near their cheek and repeat, “I’m not touching you, I’m not touching you,” until they bite.
6. Blackmail them with dark secrets.

And what if they aren’t dead?

Congratulations! Your loved one and/or stranger in your house is still alive and ready to party! That’s either going to be a fabulous cause for celebration, or the worst nightmare of your (soon-to-be-very-short) life. We leave it to you to decide which is most accurate for your situation.

Should you decide that your deceased is better of deceased, you’re going to have to Ensure Death, as we call it in the business. Some also call it Staking the Corpse.

How to Ensure Death

You will need:

A weapon
Two stakes, approx three fingers in diameter each, sharpened tip
(optional) Rope or equivalent

1. Ensure the corpse is no longer moving. This can be done by a number of means – most effective is with a high-calibre firearm or, failing that, large clobbering stick. Narrow piercing weapons such as arrows, darts and your stabby little claw-fingers aren’t recommended, as the deceased have been known to survive small wounds.
2. Upon making the corpse stationary, firmly place one of your stakes (wood, metal, doesn’t matter) within the corpse’s skull centrally between the eyes, or approximately its brain (depending on eye location), with the point of the stake piercing the back of the skull just above the neck (spinal cord). Then, place the second stake within the heart, which can be located just to the right of the left nipple. This will either completely halt or greatly slow any potential infection that might reenable your corpse’s motor functions.
3. NOTE: Do not just remove the head. We are aware of the common rumours that you can simply remove the head of a body to prevent renablement of said motor functions. This is NOT as effective as a stake, and can inadvertently create TWO undeceased persons, depending on severity of infection.
4. To improve safety of your deceased persons, use your rope to bind their hands and feet. That way, even if you got something wrong, they are still less likely to be able to bite. You can also chain or tie them to the floor or a solid object, to prevent wandering at night.

Incineration is the only true way to Ensure Death, which can be handled for you by Glenn’s Free Corpse Wagon. We use a special patented Double Incineration™ method that involves both light-based skin-withering and deep-heat cleansing in our specially made furnace.

However if you stupid buggers keep letting your undead get onto the wagon so our wagonpushers get eaten, we can’t bloody well get the corpses to the furnace, can we?

Right. Good. Glad we had this chat.

– Mayor Minopoly’s office, on behalf of Glenn’s Free Corpse Wagon Ltd.