The township of Crumble will have its very first debate as of, uh, well, tomorrow. The town council are calling it a ‘snap’ debate – under the assumption that anyone who needs more than an afternoon and night to prepare isn’t capable of fast decision making (and bullshitting on the fly) and therefore isn’t qualified to be mayor.

I think they’re calling it a snap debate because someone will snap and go on a murderous rampage. But then, maybe I’m simply getting nostalgic for the Fight to the Death of yore.

What are tomorrow’s rules?

Yes I know I’ve said the R-word and most of you will froth at the mouth over it, but there are rules for the candidates to follow tomorrow. These have been established by the Town Council and approved by Overlord Command, who has agreed to enforce security. Although by ‘agreed’ I mean ‘told the Town Council that they will enforce security, and if the Town Council doesn’t like that they are welcome to test said security tomorrow and find out what happens’.

[Also, side note here, but does anyone remember electing any of the Town Council officials? Just thinking aloud here, but I distinctly don’t recall ever agreeing for those sorry layabouts to be able to boss me around – nor did I see them fight to the death for the privilege. Food for thought. I wonder if we need a coup… Write in if you want a coup!]

• Rule 1: All candidates will be properly clothed for the occasion. Any infections conditions, particularly any likely to spread via surface contact or air, are to be covered with bandages or cut from the skin in advance of the debate.
• Rule 2: All candidates will be asked questions by the debate moderator [an Overlord, I’m told it will be – lucky candidates], and may not talk over one another if it is not a scheduled cross-candidate question. If it is a cross-candidate question, the candidates are welcome to do as they please.
• Rule 3: The candidates will refrain from violence unless it is to make a notable point.

That seems to be the gist of it so far. Make sure you all turn up tomorrow or you’ll miss this historic event, which I’m sure will go smoothly and absolutely nothing will go wrong.

Har har. Sure.

Bring snacks, people. This is sure to be beautiful.

– Flynn Harris