As some of you will have seen this morning, cleaning up after the rampaging Waste Beast is now the least of our concerns…

The hero of Crumble has returned, successful.

The return of the adventurer

Cast your mind back to about a week ago. You’ll remember that we put out a little notice suggesting that the hero venture beyond the One Acre wall to slay 30 man-eating trees. It was, we were sure, certain death.

But unfortunately, she has returned with 30 tokens of dead trees (and numerous other tokens of dead other things, one of which I’m almost positive is human) and is demanding payment. Indeed, now the Bulletin’s antique crossbow has been ruthlessly commandeered by the hero so that we, the kind and honest staff, might avoid being punctured in the face by various types of wound due to withholding the reward. AND she told us that our special grenade, which Mary has kept so nicely polished all these years, is a dud and probably wouldn’t explode. True enough, when Crusty Higgins almost immediately pressed the button afterwards (and when we finally had the guts to get back out from under our desks) we saw it just lying there. What a ripoff!

I apologise for my lack of usual enthusiasm in this bulletin update – I am truly disheartened. You know, I was just talking with Mary the other night after the final screams of being eaten alive by a Waste Beast had died down, congratulating her on such a sinister, clever plot.

And now that dreadful time is upon us. A time where we must put down the passive aggressive notes. A time where we must shackle the hateful comments hidden in shadows. A time where we, good townsfolk of Crumble, must stand up and make Melvin Li proud.

We have to do something about this hero.

The Crumble way.

Keep your eyes on the Bulletin, ladies and non-ladies. We will post soon when a new plan has been hatched (but get ready for some heavy fisticuffs).

– Flynn Harris