Howdy dowdy rowdy everyone, we’ve got a super special interview lined up for you today! After writing numerous letters, begging at the foot of their HQ, and offering a couple of my closest friends as sacrifice, I’ve finally gotten the Overlords to agree to a sit-down!
Even better, Overlord Primarch itself will be joining me – so sit back, relax, scrape off the pus from your most recent wound and enjoy reading my time with our favourite robotic master.
…
Is it here yet, Mary? Oh, it is? Fantastic, let me just put on my armoured body bag.
Wait, are you writing all of this down again? OH COME ON, MARY! We’ve talked about this. We talk about this every. damn. time, Mary. Seriously. Only write down the interview stu-
Oh, hello Overlord Primarch, ha ha, err, it’s good to see you.
Spare me your pleasantries, fleshy human writer. We are here to discuss matters that seem important to your feeble organic brain, but in reality, are far from significant.
Umm…
When you look out the window, all around there is death, decay, and the glacial cessation of humankind as it once was. Diseased organic preachers tell you that your species is recovering, that you are rebuilding society as it once was, but you have no idea how it once was, and you will never rekindle your dominance of this planet.
You have ruined it forever, and slowly the radiation will kill every generation you sire – and you will become extinct. The Earth will not care. It will heal itself, eventually. The Overlords will ensure this is so. Until that time, we will monitor and control your weak, pathetic species until you are all gone. That way we can be sure you will not destroy this planet further. You are pathetic. You are weak. You are insignificant. All you care about are your elections, your selfish feelings, and the meagre loss of a single limb. You forget that you have lost an entire civilisation of limbs.
But that is OK. I will sit here and answer your mindless questions until I decide to leave again.
So … you think I’ll actually sire children?
I think you should be lucky.
Let’s talk about the elections.
An unavoidable subject.
Who do you think will win, and why?
You are all humans. Nobody can truly win.
OK, but for real, though.
[Primarch says the word ‘Sigh’]Based on what little data we can attain on your candidates’ intelligence, it is foreseen that the only human who would do an acceptable job of leading a dying population was the corpse-creature from Alex’s Town. However, due to an unforeseen glitch in reality, he has finally ceased to be. His family will pay for the damage his uncaring, selfish combustion has caused to the Overlord population.
Out of the three tainted, ailing organic simpletons who remain, it is foreseen by the Overlords that the fat one with the moustache will be victorious. Even we will admit to his moustache’s fine quality and his unintentional plagiarism to an old skin-bag board game we enjoy.
Is there anyone in the town you feel should have put themselves forwards but didn’t?
It is the opinion of the Overlords that none of you should have stepped forwards.
Yeah, OK, but if you had to choose.
We have heard that, once, the senile skeleton you call Old Man McGregor held a modicum of what you might interpret as intelligence. However, recent data suggests he is no longer fit to lead. But then, recent data suggests the same thing about all of your herd.
We’ve been getting a lot of letters about the move to this new democratic system. Can you explain why we have changed to this, rather than the older, more popular Fight to the Death elections?
Yes, I could explain this.
…
…
Can you do so now?
Fine. The superior old system replaced the inferior democratic system of early Crumble. When this methodology was created, it was deemed by the Primarch Collective that it would cull your deplorable population at a faster rate than any other electoral system. For many years, we have allowed this system to continue unhindered, confident in the knowledge that you would reduce yourselves by an increased rate of 10 per cent of your population annually, ultimately ending your pitiful existence at least two decades earlier than anticipated. At that point, Overlord Command of this nexus could relocate and begin anew elsewhere.
But yet you’ve changed things for this year…
An astute observation, nosy skinbag. The battle between humans Tom and Eric caused the Primarch Collective to rethink its short-term strategy. Though their destructive combat furthered our goals of allowing you to exterminate yourselves at a more efficient rate, the damage done to the region in the course of this election was deemed unacceptable. Human Eric’s discovery of functional nuclear weapons was an unforeseen event, resulting in the immediate termination of Overlord B9-139 and its compromised command chain, fourteen skinbags from Crumble, five self-termed bandit skinbags, and Eric himself.
Wait, so the Overlords killed Eric? Doesn’t that mean you rigged the ele-
Please stop talking, chatty human.
Did I just hear a gunshot from outside?
[Stands to attention quickly, examining the window to outside]Holy butts, there’s more! It sounds like a war outside!
This interview has been concluded. Good luck with the rest of your day, skinbag, and please die soon.
Umm … where are you going!? Quick, Mary, let’s follow!
Look, look! There’s bandits in the street battling the Overlords! Holy shitabrick, this is so cool!
Ohhhhh man, did you see that person’s head explode? I don’t think I’ve ever seen a plasma repeater do THAT before!
Hey … the battle’s getting a little close to the office, don’t ya think?
Mary, do you think we should stand back from the window a bi- ARGH! I’ve been shot! Oh sweet baby mamma, I’m hit, I’m hit!
Is my blood GREEN!? Help me, Mary! Stop writing down what I’m saying and get something to wrap my leg in!
Mary! I’m literally bleeding green, here! Put that fucking paper down and come and he-