Are you ready to start typing, Mary? Oh, you’re already typing? Argh, dammit Mary, not this again.

OK, calm yourself, Flynn. The mayor is coming and you need to act like a professional. OK, calm. Calming thoughts – like dead wolfcats, floating gently down a river, hissing and sizzling with quiet pops in the acid water.

OK.

Breathe.

Alright, Mary, let’s bring him in.

Welcome, Mayor Minopoly! It’s good to see you again

Indeed I’m sure it is, what what. I wish I could of course say the same about you, but that would be lying – and I’m nothing if not an honest politician. What what.

So, Mr Mayoropoly, I want to jump straight into business, if you don’t mind. What is your plan for the town now that you are elected?

Flynn, my dear boy, I’m so glad you asked, what what. I have big plans for this humble little Crumble indeed, oh yes indeed. Money, Flynn, money is what’s going to start rolling into this town – not bandits, what what, not Waste Beasts, money.

“Money is what’s going to start rolling into this town – not bandits, not Waste Beasts, money.”

And how do you intend to get more money from us? Er, I mean, for us?

I have three primary goals for Crumble, what what, and I think you’ll agree that they are quite indeed in favour of the townspeople and their families – however grotesque those family members may be.

First, we’re going to make it a safer place to live, what what. That means increasing funding to the sheriff’s office and getting more police on the ground, cracking down hard on those of a, how should I say, more uncivilised nature.

*Flynn opens his mouth to speak*

No, let me finish, dear boy. Don’t you dare interrupt me, what what.

*Flynn slowly closes his mouth*

Secondly, I intend to create more jobs. There are too many slackers in Crumble, Flynn m’ boy, I’m sure you know because I’m confident you are one of them, what what. Farming! Farming is where the money is – I learned that from my dear friend Brown in the south, although I hear he’s gone up north since. If we want to make Crumble a better place to live, we need to tear down the horrible little hovels on the edges of town and give the land a good ploughing, what what.

Why have you gone red? We’re going to plough the land, Flynn, what what. Plough it good and hard, dear boy, that’s the ticket.

Why are you snickering?

Just something in my … eye, Mr Minoporayor. Please, continue

Hmm…

Well, thirdly, I’m going to look at reinvesting money and resources that the One Acre Wall sucks out of the township, what what. In fact, the whole town of One Acre is a waste, wouldn’t you say, dear boy? It’s where good townsfolk go to die, what what – and their money.

Statistics show that there’s been a record low year for floral attacks on the wall, what what, and the treeline has shrunk all the way back around the mountains. Do we need the wall to be manned with so many staff, what what? I think not not.

Not not indeed, Mayor Mayoropoly. But um, just to be clear, what statistics are those?

Statistics, what what! You couldn’t comprehend them even if I simplified them down to a child’s level, Flynn m’ boy. You’re a simple soul – don’t let your innocence be tarnished with the dangers of statistics, what what.

Oh, hey, speaking of innocence, what do you make of the stories that you rigged the Crumble elections?

Rigged! Why Flynn oh Flynn, what what, those are proposterous allegations, I simply say, I do I do. Proposterous, indeed! Do you know what that word even means, Flynn?

“I’ve never rigged anything in my entire life, except rigging people’s finances to make them better, and the people happier.”

Um … bad?

Close enough! They are bad allegations, what what. I’ve never rigged anything in my entire life, except rigging people’s finances to make them better, what what, and the people happier. If making people prosperous and happy is a crime, Flynn m’ boy, then I say I say just lock me up for good! I’m here to do Crumble some good, honest goodness. Bring in the money, what what! Create more jobs! It’s going to be beautiful.

Right, I just feel like you might have dodged my question a little there

I dodge nothing, Flynn Harris of the Crumble Bulletin, what what. You’ve asked a silly question and received a most sensible, and might I say level-headed, answer, what what! I’d say that’s more than you deserve, oh yes I would.

OK, I appreciate what you’re saying, but I’d still like an answer. Did you have anything to do with the violence on election night, and did you rig the final result in your favour?

Flynn m’ boy, I’ve been nice to you, haven’t I? But you ask such hurtful questions, truly m’ boy, truly. Struth and strife, if I haven’t tried to be nice to you, what what.

Who are those mutants coming into the room? Are they part of your entourage?

Flynn dear boy, I must declare this interview over. I came here to sit and talk sensible politics, what what, and to reveal my glorious plan for the township of Crumble – but is a sensible conversation what I got? Oh no, no it was most certainly not.

They are standing awfully close to me, I’m just gonna put that out there now

Goodbye, dear boy. This was an unpleasant experience, what what, and I do hope you sharpen up your act for our next encounter. Act with a little professionalism, what what.

Hey, where are you going? I still have 30 minutes left of our appointment! Oh, hello lovely mutants. I have to say you don’t smell great, did you forget to bathe this year? Oh I see, you’re cracking your knuckles, that’s healthy. Get the Joint Pixies out of your system. 

Mary, where are you going?

Mary?

…Mary…?

– Flynn