Today we have a very special guest with us here at the Crumble Bulletin. Mr Minopoly – our very own town financial guru – has come in today to talk to us about his election campaign, and why we should all vote for him.

Like my interview with Half-Faced Gemma six lifetimes ago, Mary will be writing down what I discuss this afternoon, but is under strict instruction only to transcribe the important stuff. You hear that, Mary? Only the important stuff. Mary, what are you writing right now? Mary, I told you – only the important stuff.

Yes, I know it’s an important interview.

No, that doesn’t mean everything we say will be important.

No, you should only write down what’s of the absolute most importance. Use your judgement, Mary. Your judgement. You know, when you make your own decisions? Oh, buggeration, he’s here. Quick, give me the chair you’re sitting on. You can stand or sit on the floor or something. Oh don’t gimme that look, you barely use your leg, anyway.

Hi Mr Minopoly, thanks so much for coming in

That’s OK, Flynn, what what. I felt it was high time we had a discussion about politics! You seem like a smart lad, what what.

Well, I’d like to think so. Now if only my mother agreed, eh? Hahaha

Indeed, what what.

Right, well, let’s get stuck into my first question, shall we? What makes you think you could be mayor?

A fine start to the discussion, dear boy! I’m glad you asked, what what. I’ve always felt I would make a better mayor than dear Tom – he certainly knows his pigcows from his cowpigs, but he just doesn’t know the first thing about money, what what. Money makes the world go round, Flynn, and I know what makes money make it go round, what what.

How did you become so smart?

An … unusual question, dear boy, what what. Well, do you think this bulbous lump on my skull is a mere tumour?-

(uh, yes)

-It’s actually an additional brain, what what. Over the years, this extra brain and I have dedicated hours upon hours to learning financial literacy, what what. We have studied all the books remaining at the Crumble Library, and practiced time and again on the finances of good, honest townsfolk like yourself, Flynn, what what. Quite frankly, I am the resident expert on anything to do with money, and I challenge you to find someone who is better … what what.

Is … is that a genuine challenge or just a figure of speech?

A figure of speech, dear boy, what what.

Oh, thank goodness. I thought you were trying to give me more work to do. It’s already bad enough balancing drinking all day with running the Bulletin.

(Awkwardly chuckles, but in a hearty, trustworthy way).

What sets you apart from your competition in this election?

Sets me apart, what what? Well, now let me think about that for a moment.

OK

Hmm…

Do you want a drink of water?

Which well is it from?

Jolly’s Road

Oh, no, definitely not. That was poisoned three days ago, what what.

Oh … (laughs frightenedly) I knew that

What sets me apart from my competitors, what what? I think that’s an easy one when I think about it more.

Am … am I going to die?

Give hard consideration to my fellow candidates, Flynn m’ladboy, what what. You’ve got Edwina Packard, a notorious gossip whose only key skill is talking behind people’s backs – a trait that is sure to get her assassinated within the first year of her term, what what. Do we really want to go through the expense of another election? I think not, dear boy, what what.

I feel lightheaded

Then you’ve got that Murder Matt, yes indeed what what. A fine salesman as any, I must admit honestly. But how many businesses has he seen fail at his command, what what? An entrepreneurial venture is one thing, but a town need only fail once to ensure its citizens’ demise, what what. I do not wish to see Crumble … ahah … crumble, what what.

Mary, how do you feel?

Finally, there’s that horrid mutant, Alex Alexson. Now there’s a creature, what what, that it’s hard to even lay your eyes on, let alone your trust! I’m surprised the Overlords haven’t shot him in the street for thinking he’s infected with something, what what.

Mary, you look pale. Are you feeling Oagihawf?

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