Good afternoon, everyone! Flynn Harris here, and today we’re going to be sitting down with your favourite Crumble Elections candidate (50% chance I got that right) Edwina Packard, and treating this written interview as a live talk show. That’s right, we’re just going to pretend there’s cameras and folks listening in, because no matter how hard I try, a certain someone is just going to write down everything I say, anyway.
Ahah yes, a certain, mischevious, deaf SOMEONE, and I’m not pointing any fingers (that you can see because this is text-based, unless you’re looking through the windows, in which case stop perving on my beautiful pointy fingers), but someone takes their job too seriously and has caused me some pretty great embarrassment over our past interviews.
But let’s put that behind us, ha ha ha. There’s no hard feelings, it’s all just news anyhoo. Right? Reading about me getting shot or poisoned is just good, entertaining news. Ha ha ha. I don’t even care.
Ah, and it looks like Edwina is here and ready to go. So let’s get stuck in, shall we?
Edwina, good to see you, thanks for coming
That’s alright, Flynn, thanks for inviting me. I’m sorry to be pulling you away from your date with Janice Butler scheduled for 4:15 p.m. this afternoon, but let’s be honest, you’re a bit old for that girl, anyway. You’d probably just say something stupid and look uncool, like your previous date with Jane Ridcully – may she rest in peace of course.
Hold on … wha-?
Anyway, I suppose we had better get started on this interview. We don’t want to sit here and talk about your scandalous affairs all evening, do we, Flynn Harris?
Umm … I mean…
So, you’re going to ask me about why the people of Crumble should vote for me, eh?
I, uh, how did you, uh, know about … Janice?
Well, the answer is quite simple, dearie. To both those questions, actually. Everybody knows about you and Janice, of course, I made sure of that. But as for why the people of Crumble should vote for me, well I’d have to say that it’s because this town needs a leader who knows the people, right? Someone with good negotiating skills, who’s humble and ready to walk around town and actually talk to people – learn their secrets– I mean, their troubles. Hahaha.
So … everybody knows?
Oh yes, dearie. Everybody knows. Everybody knows that a grubby old drunk like yourself was about to take the precious petal that is 17-year-old Janice Butler over Dead Man’s Bridge and up to the Crumble Lookout for a little afternoon encounter. But enough about that, Flynn, this isn’t all about you – it’s all about me.
I, uh…
I wanted to take this opportunity to get into the spotlight a little. That pompous, money-hungry Minopoly certainly has stolen the publicity in this election, and I’m not surprised, really, I mean, how could the spotlight possibly miss a man of his grotesque size and shape? Really, how is he so fat? We’re all starving, aren’t we? Look at you, dear, you’d be all skin and bone if it wasn’t for the dirt filling you out a bit. And poor Mrs Thornton has been eating her children just to stay alive long enough to have more children. Most likely she’ll eat those ones, too. Quite a sustainable food source, I must admit, but a little slow.
But if everybody knows, won’t Janice’s father also know?
So, quite honestly, dear – and yes, even Mr Butler is aware of your encounter. Indeed I think he was the first I spoke with; you can imagine his surprise – quite honestly, I’m here to tell everyone not to vote for Mr Minopoly, because he’s stolen enough from this town, and I rather don’t imagine he’s had a sudden change of heart just because he’s gunning for mayor. More like he just wants more power, if you ask me.
Oh shit, oh god … I need to go
What’s that? Oh, of course yes, Mr Butler will likely be on his way here to find you. Probably waiting outside right now, to pounce when you walk out at around 5:02 p.m., which is your average leaving time.
Wait, where are you going? I have so much more to say! Flynn Harris you get back here right now.
Flynn!
Damn that man. I had three more speeches to give about the sins of Mr Minopoly.
Don’t suppose you’d be willing to write more of them down, Mary? After all, I did help you the other week when you were dealing with that unpleasant altercation in–